My God and Me Blog

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  ~ Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

More than six years ago, I moved to New York City from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That statement by itself has impressed quite a few people. But I didn’t move to impress anyone. At the time I just wanted to be in New York City. Moving here had been an acknowledged desire of mine for more than ten years prior to me actually doing it. With what I know now, I would call that desire a “calling”. Now, I would say I was called to New York City; indeed, I was instructed to go to New York City. It was part of the plan God had for me and it took over a decade for me to answer His call.

Of course I didn’t know it then, but I see it so clearly now.

At that time, I knew I was on a journey of self-exploration, but I had no idea how the road would unfold before me. The only thing I was focused on was learning more about me. In my simple-mindedness, my self-exploration centered on having a sexual revolution because I thought all my problems rooted from my childhood sexual abuse. I’ll tell you now, I thought God was going to let me have my way because it was something I thought I needed in order to heal myself. I believed that I had been repressed back home in Milwaukee – confined to what everyone else expected of me and wanted from me. I saw NYC as my opportunity to burst free.

When I moved to the City, I was working on my second self-publishing venture, VoLux Full-Figured Calendar. One of my goals with the calendar was to show that women of all shapes and sizes (with natural looks and curves) deserved as much media attention as the women starving themselves to be on magazine covers. My wholesome goal of showcasing women in an attractive fashionable spread that would encourage self-esteem and positive body image was received as a highly sexualized product. Through I was trying to explore my sexuality in my personal life, I was not interested in pimping images of women through my business.

However, I did get momentarily caught up in the dream of high fashion and how I could apply it to my life and my talents. In other words, when I came to the City, I had an intention to be an active participant in all things pertaining to plus-size fashion. And I was active for a couple of years. My second calendar was published in 2006 and I admit to being “MySpace-famous” when that cover hit my social media network. Uncomfortably so. During that time, I realized that I was not interested in the attention I was receiving – people who would only talk to me if my product could do something for their product or service; models who only wanted to meet me so they could be in my next calendar; and main stream fashion folks who had no interest in my work at all because my black “wasn’t relevant” and neither was my size.

Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food. “Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, and you will find life. I will make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David. [Says the Lord your God]  ~ Isaiah 55:2-3 NLT

After a couple of years of battling myself and trying to sustain the business model I had developed in Milwaukee, I stopped trying to force myself on the narrow-minded fashion industry in New York City and started asking myself questions. And surprisingly, I was able to answer my questions too.

Why is it so important to me to have a plus-size fashion calendar?

It’s not.

Then why am I working so hard on this?

Because I had planned a course of action and committed to it.

Well, if it’s my plan, my action and my life, can’t I change my mind?

Absolutely!

So, going back to the beginning, why did I want to start a business in the first place?

I wanted something I could do from home. Something seasonal in nature that would allow time with my husband and children while contributing income to the family.

What else can I do that this goal would apply to?

I can write.   

My blog started on MySpace.com. I started writing about plus-size fashion and my adjustment to NYC. Two years later I published my first Christian lifestyle book, My God and Me: Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey which consisted mostly of my MySpace blog posts. I did not foresee my change in perspective, priority or purpose. However, when I conceived the idea for My God and Me, I was then able to trace God’s active guidance and instruction in my life. Up to that point, I hadn’t believed He was paying much attention to me. Moving to New York City with no family or friends to depend on and not going hungry or homeless for one day has certainly shown me my God is very attentive to my every need. Over the last six years, I have grown to trust God more and more every day. My hearing has sharpened to pick up His whispers. My eyes have cleared to recognize the good things He is giving me and the bad things I need to steer away from. My heart is open to His Kingdom, therefore His Kingdom is open to me.

…because I believed the lie of the world…

The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful.  ~Matthew 13:22 NIV

I’m going to speak to those who have been abused, mistreated or violated in any way because my old way of thinking came from the mindset of a victim – a captive. I was thinking and acting like someone in bondage who was desperately seeking freedom.  All I could recognize was that I needed to reclaim what was taken from me. In my simplicity, I sought to redeem myself by casting what is sacred (my body) before swine (any man who is not my husband). However, the only way to keep the sacred holy is to set it apart. The sacred must remain clean and untouched by that which is unholy (anything not sanctioned by God).

I had been sexually violated in my youth, so I grew up thinking that my power rested in controlling who had access to my body. In my foolishness, I fancied being loose with my favors and indiscriminate with my choices. Those thoughts appealed to me because I would be able to choose. Please note: there is definite power in our ability to choose, however we are only truly empowered when we make the right choice. The right choice will always line up with God’s word and His will for our life.

Seek the LORD while you can find Him. Call on him now while He is near. Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the LORD that He may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for He will forgive generously.  ~ Isaiah 55:6-7

If you’ve read my recent post, 18 Years Celibate: An Anniversary I Didn’t Plan On, you know that God didn’t allow my foolish thoughts to grow into action. When God took hold of me and brought me to New York City (what I thought would be the perfect playground for my ridiculous fantasies), He put me in an incubator of sorts. He began weeding through my consciousness, and uprooting ideas. He cleansed me of the lies I believed about myself, my life and my purpose. He shook the loose soil of the world off of me and repotted me in His Kingdom. He’s been watering me and feeding me ever since. I’m still getting pruned. He still has trimming and shaping to do, but my environment now if God’s Heavenly Kingdom, not the world I inhabit.

My early internal struggles were resolved when I realized that what other people expected of me was not nearly as important as what I expected of myself. And what I expect of myself is not nearly as important as what God expects of me. The business I began building in Milwaukee was a business that appealed to the senses of the world. Worst yet, the images I created incited lust in the viewer – lust ranging from a desire for fame, exposure or sex. The work of my hands was feeding the flesh and dishonoring the God I was beginning to know and walk with.

…but I was transformed by the Light.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.         

“The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry.

It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11 NLT

When I first moved here, I was looking forward to all that the City had to offer. I was eager to experience as much of “the life” as possible. I did my fair share of arts and cultural events. I did as much of the dance club scene as I could stand. I went corporate for employment and the ladder I’m on seems to extend and expand only by the grace of God’s attention to my life. All of my experiences in this city have been good – even the painful ones. The City has embraced me as much as I’ve embraced it – but certainly not in the ways I first thought. Over the years, I thought it odd that God would bring me to a city steeped in sin, the Babylon of the U.S. if you will, only to purify and sanctify me….

But His thoughts are so far beyond my own…. I have learned to follow where He leads and to do what He tells me to do.

I’m not so humble that I don’t recognize the remarkable work God has performed in my life. He has been building an amazing one-of-a-kind woman who has found comfort in His strength, purpose in His word and love in His presence. The confidence his care and attention has imbued in me makes me equally confident that He has put just as much effort and time in my mate. For God’s Kingdom is a kingdom of partnership and order. He has molded me into a helpmate with a thirst for His Spirit. This means that the one I am to assist has also been re-modeled into God’s image and character.

May you be so blessed in your journey to recognize the hand and the work of the Master in your life. And trust Him to do His part as you obey His instructions and do your part.

Filed under: Identity, Life, Obedience, On the Road, Testimony, Trust, Walking in the Word on January 25th, 2012 | No Comments »

excerpt from My God and Me: Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey by LaShawnda Jones 

On my second New Year’s Eve in New York City, I visited the historic Riverside Church in Harlem. I was in search of a church home and was immediately awed by the atmosphere in the nave of Riverside. The majestic gothic interior had a lot to do with my initial reaction.   

            I was in need of a message on that crisp Sunday morning. God, in His infinite wisdom, delivered one to me. I had been struggling with issues that were hard to put into words. I talked about the things I could speak on with those who would listen. But even those simpler speakable things were not well received by friends. 

            I was changing. As we all do. Not only was God reworking me in a major way, I knew it was time for me go to another level. I was ready for a change, however I had no idea how monumentally drastic it would be. In 2005, when I decided to move to New York, I told my family and friends I would not be in contact for at least six months. I thought that was all the time I needed for my personal evolution. My knowledge then only scratched the surface, and it’s not much deeper now. However, after my visit to Riverside Church, I became more accepting of whatever changes were to come in my life. 

God is in the Growing

Reverend Dr. R. Scott Colglazier gave the sermon that helped me over a hump that resembled a mountain at the time. There were hundreds of people in the nave that Sunday morning, yet I felt as if I was sitting face to face with the Reverend Doctor in private conversation, finally accepting words that have been offered previously but not embraced. He said, “People talk about Jesus as being constant – always the same now and forever. Though the essence of Jesus never changes, there was a time when Jesus, the man, went through change.”

            “I hear you,” he said. “‘As soon as life gets good, as soon as everything falls into place, I’ll start living in God’s presence.’ What if the pieces are never all together? What if God is only found in the growth, in the striving, in the struggles of everyday life…? God is discovered in the growing, not the perfecting of life…. Don’t miss out on sharing your gifts with the world. You’re in a growing moment. You know what that’s like, don’t you? When you want to give up….  When you’re missing home…. When you want to sob, not cry, but sob. Those are growing moments. Without vulnerability, mistakes, and heartaches – we don’t grow. We don’t change.”

            How profound is that? How did he know my heart? How did he know my fears? How did he know how to soothe me? 

            Of course, he wasn’t telling me anything new, but sometimes we get so deep in our troubles, someone else’s voice works as a beacon to guide us through our darkness.

            I’ve been an advocate for change all my life. I’ve embraced it. Searched for it. Preached it to others. I had lived in four states and six cities by the age of fourteen. By the age of twenty-six, I had been to six countries on two continents and visited forty of fifty states, speaking three languages. One of my selling points in job interviews had been my adaptability to change. However, none of that, nor my positive attitude, upbeat personality, adventurous spirit, thirst for knowledge and culture or my facility with conversation was sufficient preparation for the road I am now traveling. Or rather, all that preparation has not been the focus of this portion of my journey.   

Roadblocks

I have some good friends, but during my personal and spiritual evolution I discovered none of them was able to give me anywhere near what I needed, when I needed it. By the time Reverend Dr. Colglazier spoke to me, I had been re-evaluating my family and friend relationships for over a year. The night before I attended his service, I had concluded I had no true friends. I had no helpers or supporters who were available for me to call on in my need. They had all been tested in some way. My friends showed support but rarely followed through by actually giving support. They encouraged me to call on them and ask for assistance whenever I needed them, but they rarely responded to my call.

            What my summary does not take into account are all the variables of life – marriage, children, mortgages, jobs, sick parents, personal transitions. When I have felt that my friends have failed me, they were championing others or caring for themselves. This may be the same situation when I have failed them. I have changed as a friend over the last few years as well. Whereas I used to make myself available in some capacity whenever I was called, I became a hermit and cocooned myself during my transition. I have said no to more requests for my time and space during this time than in the entire span of any given friendship. I needed to distance myself. I needed to be stripped of my sense of ease, security and comfort. No matter what type of relationship you have with family and friends, when you are surrounded by them you have a sense that whatever befalls you, someone will pick you up. Innately, I knew the people I turned to for advice, conversation, support, or just a listening ear were not people I could go through a personal evolution with.

God needed to be my focus. Solitude was necessary for me to learn to communicate with Him and build our relationship. He isolated me so I could hear Him better. It was time for me to lean on God and allow Him to lift me.

            Everyone I knew, family and friends, were roadblocks to my spiritual growth. I don’t mean that in a demeaning way. We all have our tests and struggles in life. James tells us to count all our trials as joy because the testing of our faith produces patience and matures us (James 1:2-4). My family and friends were blocking my growth because their expectations of me kept my focus on them and their needs. Yes, it is good to help others; however, it is not good to neglect yourself. I did my best to fulfill whatever people expected or requested of me. My effort was based on my desire to be a positive influence in everyone’s life. A dependable influence. Many people had let me down, and I didn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s disappointment or disillusionment. If I could be a representative of the good of man/womankind, then I would do all that I could. If someone asked me to bend backwards and my back was paining me, I wouldn’t tell them I couldn’t, I wouldn’t even tell them that my back hurt. I would bend back as far as I could. I would barely recover before the next person and the next person and the next person were asking me to bend just a little bit further….

            When I got tired of bending, I stood up and walked away. Far, far away…. 

            For those who asked, I truthfully shared my desire to get to know me. I wanted to do things simply because I wanted to do them, not because something was expected or needed of me. I wanted to live without everyone else’s demands, influences, and judgments. 

            Ironically enough, when breaking down my daily life in New York, it’s not much different than my daily life in Milwaukee was. I’m a bit lonelier, but I am freer and happier overall. My essence, core, and character have not changed. I have grown more outspoken and protective of me, my wishes, and my boundaries. I’ve lost interest in being nice. I’ve gained a deeper interest in being right with God and true to myself.

            My search for self-knowledge led directly to a deeper knowledge of, and connection with, God.

“I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

- Lewis Carroll

I can’t go back to who I was. Sometimes I cherish thoughts of giving up trying to live out my dreams and crawling back into the lifeless arms of my family and friends. That’s a fantasy I can no longer afford. I’m not interested in hearing the I-told-you-so’s and suggestions on how I should just settle for whatever is handed to me. Failure has never been part of my plan, but I’ve learned from all of my mistakes.

            When Reverend Dr. Colglazier said, “You’re in a growing moment. You know what that’s like, don’t you? When you want to give up…. When you’re missing home…. When you want to sob, not cry, but sob. Those are growing moments.” I felt like he was shaking me awake. He went on to say, “Sometimes change is easy and joyful. Sometimes it’s painful and hard. Enlightenment is telling the truth of where you really are. Risk something this year. Risk something for yourself.”  

            The road of spiritual growth and personal development is never-ending. I became aware of my long journey a short time ago, when my physical uprooting mirrored my spiritual uprooting. It’s a lonely process, and every once in a while I’ve tried to pull someone onto the road with me. Not because I felt they needed to be there, but because I felt I was lacking in companionship. Or I simply couldn’t stand my own company anymore. After a few steps, my path got crowded and I got cramped. I felt a different type of frustration, as if my temporary companion was obstructing my view. I would then set them aside and continue forward by myself. I later regarded these short intermissions of friendly companionship as friends “failing” me. A transition is no time to test friends or family. God will never equip others to be to you what He wants to be to you while He’s teaching you to depend on Him. I wanted people to be trustworthy and dependable. Fortunately, I learned to trust and depend on my God for all things.  

 Meditation Verse: Acts 9:3-9

As he journeyed he came near Damascus, and suddenly a light shone around him from heaven. Then he fell to the ground, and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?”

And he said, “Who are You, Lord?”

Then the Lord said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. It is hard for you to kick against the goads.”

So he, trembling and astonished, said, “Lord, what do You want me to do?”

Then the Lord said to him, “Arise and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.”

And the men who journeyed with him stood speechless, hearing a voice but seeing no one. Then Saul arose from the ground, and when his eyes were opened he saw no one. But they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And he was three days without sight, and neither ate nor drank.

 

Filed under: Cultivating My Spirit, Life, On the Road, Relationship with God, Testimony, Trust, Walking in the Word on January 25th, 2012 | No Comments »

Ezekiel 37:1-14 NLT

The LORD took hold of me, andI was carried away by the Spirit of the LORD to a valley filled with bones. He led me all around among the bones that covered the valley floor. They were scattered everywhere across the ground and were completely dried out. Then He asked me,

“SON OF MAN, CAN THESE BONES BECOME LIVING PEOPLE AGAIN?”

“O Sovereign LORD,” I replied,“You alone know the answer to that.”

Then He said to me,

“SPEAK A PROPHETIC MESSAGE TO THESE BONES AND SAY, ‘DRY BONES, LISTEN TO THE WORD OF THE LORD! THIS IS WHAT THE SOVEREIGN LORD SAYS: LOOK! I AM GOING TO PUT BREATH INTO YOU AND MAKE YOU LIVE AGAIN! I WILL PUT FLESH AND MUSCLES ON YOU AND COVER YOU WITH SKIN. I WILL PUT BREATH INTO YOU, AND YOU WILL COME TO LIFE. THEN YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD.’”

So I spoke this message, just as He told me. Suddenly as I spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together and attached themselves as complete skeletons. Then as I watched, muscles and flesh formed over the bones. Then skin formed to cover their bodies, but they still had no breath in them.

Then He said to me,

“SPEAK A PROPHETIC MESSAGE TO THE WINDS, SON OF MAN. SPEAK A PROPHETIC MESSAGE AND SAY, ‘THIS IS WHAT THE SOVEREIGN LORD SAYS: COME, O BREATH, FROM THE FOUR WINDS! BREATHE INTO THESE DEAD BODIES SO THEY MAY LIVE AGAIN.’”

So I spoke the message as He commanded me, and breath came into their bodies. They all came to life and stood up on their feet—a great army.

Then He said to me,

“SON OF MAN, THESE BONES REPRESENT THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL. THEY ARE SAYING, ‘WE HAVE BECOME OLD, DRY BONES—ALL HOPE IS GONE. OUR NATION IS FINISHED.’ THEREFORE, PROPHESY TO THEM AND SAY, ‘THIS IS WHAT THE SOVEREIGN LORD SAYS: O MY PEOPLE, I WILL OPEN YOUR GRAVES OF EXILE AND CAUSE YOU TO RISE AGAIN. THEN I WILL BRING YOU BACK TO THE LAND OF ISRAEL. WHEN THIS HAPPENS, O MY PEOPLE, YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD. I WILL PUT MY SPIRIT IN YOU, AND YOU WILL LIVE AGAIN AND RETURN HOME TO YOUR OWN LAND. THEN YOU WILL KNOW THAT I, THE LORD, HAVE SPOKEN, AND I HAVE DONE WHAT I SAID. YES, THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!’”

Read some commentary on Ezekiel 37:  from Matthew Henry’s Commentary of the Whole Bible http://www.ccel.org/ccel/henry/mhc4.Ez.xxxviii.html

Filed under: Life, Walking in the Word on January 17th, 2012 | No Comments »

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.  ~ Romans 12:10

 “We are always a bridge between God and someone else. Always a bridge of blessing. We matter. We matter significantly.”  Pastor William Carrol

How intentional and purpose-filled are we in our daily relationships? How attentive are we to the relationships that matter to us? How aware are we of the needs of the other party(ies)? What are we giving of ourselves to build up and encourage our loved ones?

If you ask me, I will tell you I am very intentional. I am very purposeful and intent on building or maintaining my relationships always. However, I’ve come to realize that my own intention and purposefulness does not necessarily translate to an understanding of how I, my life and my actions
impact the other party.

To a very great degree I am clueless. I understand only that which is explained or revealed to me.

One of my uncles had a very harrowing, life-threatening experience a week ago today. When I went to go see him and asked him about his experience, his pain and hurt were easy for me to see and hear. My natural inclination was to hug him and tell him I love him. I’ve hugged my uncle and told him “I love you” countless times in my life. Quite honestly, I didn’t think the gesture or the words would be anything special to him even though I felt it was important for him to know that he was loved at such a dark, painful moment in his life.

He clung to me. And when I stepped away, he pulled me back. “You really needed a hug,” I said. He simply nodded.

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.  ~ Romans 12:9

We were in the hospital waiting room visiting my grandmother with two of my aunts and a cousin. I was leaving that day, so before we all separated upon leaving the hospital, I said, “My uncle needs a hug. So, come on, group hug!” They all moved in. I got a good grip on both my aunts and we all squeezed in on my uncle, who was in the middle of the circle. I let go of my Zena-warrior-woman-call as I jumped up and down and shook the whole circle with my joy. He began laughing. They all began laughing. A stranger walked up to us and said, “I want a hug too.”

“Do you really,” I asked.

He looked a bit bashful for a moment, but didn’t back down. He nodded.

“Well, come here! I love giving hugs!” One of my aunts and I hugged him gleefully.

We all separated with beaming smiles.

I was pleased, but I didn’t think much of that moment… until my uncle called me after I had returned home. He said simply, “Shawnda, I want to say ‘thank you’ for hugging me and telling me you love me. You were the only one who thought about me and asked how I was doing.”  Chuckling, he continued, “You said, ‘my uncle needs a hug’ and they all hugged me. Thank you.”

Appreciation – such a life-giving disposition.

I would fly a thousand miles and back again for anyone who could so appreciate a hug.

Validation - what a life-affirming response.

I will be more intentional about letting loved ones know how much they matter to me.

Indeed, Beloved, you matter to me.

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.  ~ Romans 12:9-13

Filed under: Love, Walking in the Word on January 16th, 2012 | No Comments »

“Oh, the worst of all tragedies is not to die young, but to live until I am seventy-five and yet not ever truly to have lived.”  ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Grandma Bessie has been ill for quite some time. She has lived her whole life with epilepsy and for as long as I can remember, she’s been diabetic. Last year she was diagnosed with early-onset of dementia. She  received that diagnosis after prolonged treatment following an epileptic seizure that caused her to fall onto a lit stove the summer prior. No one was home with her at the time, so as she seized, she burned. She’s been disfigured from her burning. Her face is scarred, the tops of her ears burned off, she lost most of an index finger and a thumb, and her scalp was so badly burned that most of her hair will not grow back. During nearly three months in the hospital and rehab during the summer of 2010, she contracted a staph infection and fell deeper into depression. During my autumn 2011 visit, she looked like a wizened caricature of her former self.

All this may sound horrible to you, and truly, my heart aches to think of the pain of my grandmother’s life and to look at how she wears her struggles, but her greatest ailment (in my opinion) is not one of the aforementioned diseases. Her greatest ailment is bitterness. Bitterness has choked out the concepts of joy, appreciation, grace, compassion and love. Her bitterness is rooted so deeply, I don’t think she knows when or where it was first planted. She’s hateful and mean-spirited and has cursed the lives of her children since birth. She doesn’t trust anyone and believes everyone is out to destroy her. Before you assume this is the dementia manifesting, I tell you this has been her personality and demeanor for my lifetime, the lifetime of her children and the lifetime of her marriage.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Make sure that no one is immoral or godless like Esau, who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal. You know that afterward, when he wanted his father’s blessing, he was rejected. It was too late for repentance, even though he begged with bitter tears. ~ Hebrews 12:15-17 NLT

As I write this, I’m on my way to visit her in the hospital after an attempted homicide and suicide. My heart is heavy on this trip because I keep thinking I could be returning for my uncle’s funeral instead of for a visit to my grandmother’s hospital bedside. She attempted to stab her son with a knife she had in her purse after he stopped her from leaving the house for an errand she didn’t need to make on a bustery cold winter day. In his words, “She almost got me, Shawnda.  I didn’t know she had a knife.” After he got the knife from her, she then swallowed handfuls of her medication. I asked him if she said anything to him during this ordeal. All she said was in the ambulance, “I’m ready to go.”

My uncle sounded so broken on the phone, so unsure of what to do and where to go, so bereft of help, that I told him I would be there the next day. His only response was, “Thank you.”

My heart broke for my uncle. How would I feel if my mother had tried to take my life simply because she had no desire to live her own? What a horrible memory to give your child.

My main goal for my visit was to sit and speak with my grandmother. And to pray over her. I wanted to hear in her own words what was going on with her. During the thirty-six hours between hearing of this traumatic incident and getting to her bedside, all I could think of was her life and the very real possibility of her death. What type of eulogy could she honestly receive? My heart grew heavier by the moment, not because of the circumstances leading to her hospital stay this time. No, what weighed on my heart like a  stone and dragged me down into a sadness that was incredibly difficult to face is the knowledge that my Grandma Bessie has not enjoyed her life. There is no joy to be found in her. Every story she tells reminiscing of times gone by ends in a string of accusations and curses of the relationships involved in the story. During one of my prior visits, she told me, while her home was filled with three generations of her seed (children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and the ex-husband that contributed to this dynasty) that she “didn’t have shit to appreciate.” It was Mother’s Day.

Her words stunned me then and they continue to stun me when I think of them. My heavy heart comes from knowing that she has never valued her life or the lives of her children. How does a family celebrate a life that was not celebrated during its lifetime?

Personally, I think it would be the height of hypocrisy to celebrate the life of a person who didn’t know enough to appreciate the life that God gave them. Of all the family members I have lost during my lifetime, I’m sure I will mourn for my Grandma Bessie the most (when her time comes to cross the Great Divide) simply because she is a Believer who has chosen to exist and die without true knowledge of God, without learning the character of Christ and without inviting the Holy Spirit to purify and cleanse her.

“When they cry for help, I will not answer. Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me. For they hated knowledge and chose not to fear the LORD. They rejected my advice and paid no attention when I corrected them. Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way, choking on their own schemes. For simpletons turn away from me—to death. Fools are destroyed by their own complacency. But all who listen to me will live in peace, untroubled by fear of harm.”  ~ Proverbs 1:28-33 NLT

Filed under: Bitterness, On the Road on January 11th, 2012 | No Comments »